Thanksgiving

So, this post isn't really going to be one of flowers and happy times. It's going to be about the anger that I am experiencing right now...just to warn anyone who chooses to read this thing...

November 2, 2009 - my dad has a colonoscopy. A huge blockage is found. We don't know what it is, but are bracing for the worst, but praying that is nothing.

November 3, 2009 - daddy hears from the lab that the biopsies that were taken from the blockage confirm that the blockage is a malignant tumor in his colon...

November 4, 2009 - daddy has surgery to remove this malignant tumor. no matter how much praying was being done, the worst is confirmed that the cancer had spread and was extensive in his liver. Also, it was in the surrounding lymphnodes...Daddy is battling stage 4 colon cancer that matacisized to the liver and lymphnodes...

November 6, 2009 - daddy's oncologist comes to the hospital and, once again, confirms our worst fear. Daddy's cancer isn't curable and is terminal. His time left with us is totally up to how his body reacts to the chemo. We could have him a few months, we could have 6+ years....

November 24, 2009 - daddy FINALLY comes home from the hospital - yeah, he's been in the hospital since november 4th...his wound got infected so he couldn't go home until it was determined where it was coming from. Luckily, it was simply a skin transfer, and nothing was growing inside the wound, just bacteria from his skin creeping into the gaping hole in his abdomen - yes, I know it is gaping cause I've seen inside it several times....

November 24, 2009 - I realize that the man that is at home isn't my daddy. This surgery and cancer has really affected him in more ways than I originally realized. I am just like my daddy. Meaning, for those that know me, I am very happy-go-lucky, it takes ALOT to get under my skin, and I am convinced that there is nothing in this world that I cannot do. That's how daddy was....now, because of all the swelling and all, he can't hardly get out of a chair. It took me, my brother, and my husband to get him up out of a chair today. It broke my heart to do this, mainly because I know that it is killing daddy for him not to be able to do things.....daddy's ankles are about the size of my thighs, yet, because of all of the weight that he has lost, that we didn't notice, his arms aren't any bigger than mine and we can see his ribs and collarbones....

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving - probably one of daddy's favorite holidays. Mainly, because of the fact that we always get together for Thanksgiving, he cooks, we makes tons of jokes, and a grand time is had by all..

This year, we are all just happy that daddy is still with us and is at home. I know deep down inside of me that our time with him is limited. I am praying daily for a miracle because I know my God is the God of miracles. It still doesn't change the fact that my daddy isn't well. My daddy, who has always been so full of life and energy, can barely pick himself up out of a damn chair.

Why couldn't this have happened to someone who didn't care for her family like I do? Why did this have to happen to MY daddy?! This is hitting him in the prime of his life - he has a new grandson who is so full of energy it is scary, and daddy can't hardly play with him right now. I know that daddy is still recovering from surgery, but why is HE having to fight cancer? Why is HE having to go through chemo??

With all this being said, I am praying that daddy gets better. I am praying that somehow this "uncurable" cancer can be cured. Or at least slowed down dramatically. I just want Riley to remember his Pop. I want Riley to have the same experiences that I had as a kid - all of my grandparents within a 20 mile radius from home. Granted, we will have to extend the radius for Riles since Ruth is a little further than 20 miles, but I still want daddy here for Riley.

My heart breaks more and more everyday. I didn't know that one person's heart could break so much. Evidently it can. I'm living proof of that. I feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest when I even think about what is going on with daddy. It's just not fair...